turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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