I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
