That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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