she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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