just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
