Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
