I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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