I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
