I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
