Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
