Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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