3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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