I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
