I am puke
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
