pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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