WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my being single is dangerous.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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