when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
