I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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