Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
