just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
