Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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