When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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