did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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