We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
