she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
