Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
