I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
