he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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