mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
did i walk over a car last night?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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