I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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