Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
