I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Someone signed my nipple.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
