she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
