dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I supernannyed him into submission
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
