i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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