this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
