I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
