I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
