dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
