I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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