its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again