Don't make out with my wife yet
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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