I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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