I'm laying in your front yard are you home
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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