So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
