Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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