Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
