How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
