I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
