Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
