i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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