i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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