How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
