why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
