NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
